Friday, April 21, 2006
Deathtrap Dodge: The Van of Death
Driving onto the east ramp roadway that runs parallel to route 17 between Elmira's Church and Water streets, there was a van. To be more precise, an early-mid nineties model Dodge Caravan that had obviously seen better days. Doc and I were driving behind this fine piece of high-quality Mexi-merican-made machinery when I noticed the passenger side of the back end was lower than the other side. Upon closer inspection, I discovered that there was not nearly enough air in the tire to keep the van level. In fact, when given the right angles to view, I saw that the only tire that did, indeed, have enough air in it was the rear tire on the driver's side. Doc and I discussed this (while wondering aloud as to how in the hell they had fit 8 people along with all the extra shit we could see through the window) and came to the conclusion that somewhere along the way, that tire was gonna blow. Doc's plan was to get around said piece of shit van as soon as possible. The van, however, had other plans and thwarted the first attempt to pass once we were on the highway. It got quite a bit ahead of us and eventually, we came across it again. I looked and said "Oh my God, it's the van of death!" Doc concurred and said "You can tell it's hard to control by how it's wavering in the lane. I really want to get around it before it explodes and everyone in it dies" (or something to that effect anyway). So he tried a few more times to get by it, and eventually succeeded. As we passed, I looked out the window toward the van (and was tempted to open my window to tell them their tires needed air). I turned my head back to Doc and said "No wonder they were wavering so much; the driver wasn't using her co-pilot. They have 3 nearly flat tires and when I looked, she was looking down to her side for something instead of at the road. Dude, they're doomed."