Wanting to Stray

Recently, I've been noticing that I want very much to abandon all projects I have going right now and make something completely different. I have three projects that I've started, two lace things and a pair of socks, and a few others that are pretty much in the frog pond...I just have to get off my lazy ass and rip them all apart. The problem is that I really must get them all done. I know if I would just buckle down and get at least the socks (which I'm beginning to loathe their obligation-like aura, but that's beside the point) done, I'd feel much better about beginning a sweater for myself. [A short aside here: I have the strangest timing when it comes to projects...I want to knit lightweight stuff in the dead of winter and warm sweaters for myself going into spring...I'm bass-fucking-ackwards if you ask me.] Bah! Stupid socks...I really don't want to work on them at all, but I must as I made a promise to myself. In true procrastinator form, I'll work on them tomorrow.

The Excitement of Sleep

Yeah, I know...random title. I'm sure this will have absolutely nothing to do with sleep, as I'm currently wide awake and in no way, shape or form contemplating the sweet, sweet bliss of dreamland. I did, however, sleep fairly well last night, so I suppose with that teeny little bit, I did mention sleep much more than I had planned. On to other topics.

Yesterday, I finally dug out the breast cancer socks I started knitting months and months ago. I decided to make them last June for a charity raffle that won't actually take place until this coming May. Had I known a few months before the fact, I may have made them for last year's event, but I didn't know the pattern existed until the owner of my LYS happened upon the pattern while we were discussing various charity knitting projects. Yeah, so I started this sock in June (or possibly July, I can't remember), got a little more than half of the leg knit and proceeded on another project (or five). So, the poor partial sock has languished in a knitting bag since then, only to be picked back up yesterday when I realized that I needed to finish the damn things so they'll be done in time for the event (I'm nothing if not a procrastinator). I managed to knit a whole TWO rounds on it yesterday during my work breaks. I know I can crank out a pair of socks in, like, a week and a half, so I should have had these finished by now. Sadly, though, I have a tendency to take a million times longer making things if I feel an obligation to finish them. I don't always have that feeling, but I do now and it sucks. Oh well. I should probably go knit something.

This Makes Me Wonder...

I recently found out that an ex of mine just got dumped by the girl he dated after me. I assume she dumped him because she's a smart girl and probably (after almost two years of him pretending he's a nice guy) figured out that he's a piece of shit who doesn't deserve someone as nifty as she is. I also assume she's nifty based solely on her MySpace profile, as I have never met her in person. Now, early in January, he paid me a visit after not speaking to me for a year and a half. He'd seen my profile in August and that triggered a huge, four month fight between the two of them, where she brought up valid points and he refused to see them, culminating in her telling him that he needed to have a talk with me "to get closure" before they could proceed in the relationship. He came, we talked, he was a dick, I was calm and rational...it wasn't horrible. Before he left, I told him that if he felt like they were going to break up not to let it get to the bitter resentment stage before it happened (because that's not good for anyone involved). He said that he didn't think there would be anymore issues like this one and that they'd be stronger than ever. He gave me his contact information, as if to try to be friends again and left. I emailed him a couple of days later, and he told me he was just being polite by giving me his information and that he didn't really want to have anymore contact with me. Whatever, he always was a dick.

Fast forward to a couple of days ago. I was reading a friend's blog and found the girlfriend posted a comment. Turns out the blog writer is a mutual friend. The blog involved relationships and the comment indicated that she was somewhat in relationship woe and wanted to find someone worthy of her. So I went to her profile and saw that she'd removed almost every trace of my ex from her profile. Seems that my ex is now her ex. I thought to myself "Yes! It's about time she realized she's too good for him." Now, I feel bad that she's going through the pain of ending a relationship, but I can't help but feel a small amount of satisfaction. That smug bastard acted as if our relationship meant absolutely nothing compared to the "perfection" he shared with her, and now it's come back to bite him.

What I'm wondering is: Does this make me an awful person? I'm trying very hard not to be happy about this, but it's been hard. I think I'm more happy about her valuing herself and what she needs more than a relationship in which her needs are not being met. I'm trying to be more happy about that than I am about him finally getting his karmic retribution for the way he treated me for six months after we broke up (I'm trying very hard to keep these feelings in check because karma is a funny creature and will pop up wherever it wants to and screw up whatever it wants...so I'm trying to be happier for her self-respect than I am for my own satisfaction). I don't know. I feel very ambivalent about this and it probably won't be resolved any time soon.

Feeling Guilty: Part the Third

Well, you know I'm going to say that I'm feeling guilty for neglecting this sweet, innocent blog of mine, so I'll have to divulge something else that's kind of eating away at me. There's a fella I've been flirting with a lot lately and I'm liking him a wee more than I should. Nothing has happened (sadly) and if we're both good, nothing will happen (very sadly), and I'm just getting really frustrated with the whole thing. I'm tired of wanting what I can't have, being able to look but not touch and having to look at his handsome face and not be allowed to kiss his very soft-looking lips. Poop. Let's see...other things I'm feeling guilty about...oh, I'm feeling guilty because I should be knitting my nephew's christmas present (Bobbi Intveld's Bobbi Bear...very cute), and all I really want to knit are socks for myself. Yeah, I'm selfish like that.

Feeling Guilty: Part the Second

Anxiety rules me right now. It sucks...big time. There's a lot of stuff going on in my head, and since I practically live there (my head, that is), it's consuming a lot of my time. I have a lot of weird feelings and thoughts and issues. Neurotic mess would be an accurate description. I don't know what exactly is going on or what will happen, but right now, I hate it. The guilt over feeling and thinking these weird thoughts is killing me. That's about as far as I'm going to go into it for now.

Feeling Guilty...

I feel so bad...I haven't had a whole lot to talk about on ye olde blog lately, so I've been leaving nothing here. Not that anyone but Bunny and Doc ever reads my words of non-wisdom, but still I feel like I'm letting my blog down. How freakin' bizarre is that? Guilt over not typing on something I'm not really required to type on...why do I feel guilty for this? I have no clue.

A State of Neglect

I've been such a bad little Minx, seeing as how I haven't blogged in weeks. Yikes! So sorry to my few readers. I've been working my regular job and trying to start up my Mary Kay job/business/thingy and I've been ridiculously stressed. It's sad when you end a vacation more tweaked than you started it. I'm doubtful that I'll be successful at anything I attempt to do. I'm a total failure at everything else in my life, I wonder sometimes if I'll ever get anything right. I also wonder why the hell I chose to do something so totally social as Mary Kay, because I'm a total introvert. Poop. Anyhoo, I'm just letting anyone who reads this know that I am, indeed, alive. Hopefully I'll be more frequent with posts in the future.