Sunday, March 12, 2006

Perfume, Shmerfume (The Cologne Wars)

So I was leaving the grocery store and there was a man walking in front of me out the door. He was pretty tall, wearing really casual kinda sporty looking stuff....and a shit-ton of cologne. It was awful...absolutely awful. I mean, it wouldn't have smelled all that good even if it had been used in moderation, but I was optimistic about it. I thought "Well, maybe once we're outside, it'll dissipate or something" (and before you ask, yes I think in "big" words that have more than two syllables...I'm a nerd like that). So, we went through the door and much to my dismay, it didn't lighten up at all. No, it was the cologne from hell assaulting my nose and it was taking no prisoners. As he walked in front of me and got further away, the stench trailed and hung in the air like smog. What made the whole thing even worse was the fact that the stinky-cologne man was going to the same part of the lot as I was. Luck of luck, he was parked two cars down from me, so I had to follow him to my car. And I had to bite my tongue not to go up to him and say "Excuse me, but you shouldn't be wearing enough cologne to drown a household pet" (bonus points if you can tell me what video game that's from). Nope, I couldn't tell him, so my nose had no respite from this man's gross misuse of scented products until I got to my car and could close the door. It's sad when kinda-stale car air is the lesser of two evils. It's even more sad that due to the fact that I work in retail, I encounter this type of thing ALL THE TIME!!!!!!!! When I'm at work, sometimes I'll be able to smell a person's fragrance a good three minutes before they show up at my counter. Then I still smell them ten minutes after they leave.

(Just so the guys who are reading this and thinking "But I know girls who...blah blah blah," I know it's not limited to just men. Women can be even worse culprits, especially middle-aged and older women. Also, there is a greater abundance of cheaply-made and even cheaper-smelling women's perfumes than there are men's colognes. So don't be thinking that just because the example is a guy that I'm just guy-bashing or bashing all cologne-wearing dudes. I'm not, it's just the ones who wear too freakin much...and the chicks who do, too.)

I know, kind of a weird spot for a disclaimer, but I often digress like that. I wonder, do these people bathe in a large vat of eau de cheap-cologne every day? Do they not realize how strong the smell is? Do they not understand that some people are allergic to some fragrances (me, especially with the cheap designer imposter crap) and others are so allergic that your abundant perfume can actually send them to the hospital because it triggers asthma attacks? Do ya feel like killing someone today? No? Then use only 1 spray of your Obsession, please. Guys and gals who over-use, do you think that the more you smell like Calvin Klein or J-Lo, the more you are Calvin Klein or J-Lo, or that somehow it makes you more attractive? Because, NEWSFLASH! it doesn't. It actually works against you. And to all the women here who seem to think that Vanilla Fields or any other vanilla perfume smells good on them, do you not realize that once the stuff's on your skin it smells like total shit? Vanilla perfume is the worst of the worst in a sea of stinkiness. If you want to smell like a cookie flavoring, BAKE SOME FREAKIN COOKIES!!!

Why don't they get it? I know they're not all stupid people. They can be taught, I'm sure. And there's so much that I want to say to guide scent over-users to the right path, but I either can't or shouldn't. So I'll just say it here. these people need to learn that not everyone wants to be able to smell them. They need to learn that with the right amount of perfume, it cannot be smelled (or it can just barely be detected) if a person is standing more than three feet away from them. They need to learn that if a person can duck and cover to avoid you five minutes before your arrival because they smelt you first, then you're wearing waaaaaay too much. They need to learn that there is a proper use for perfume products and that, when used properly, a perfume should enhance, not overwhelm. And using a fragrance to cover up your nasty b.o. is not an appropriate use for perfume. If you have that nasty b.o., I suggest you take a freakin bath! Apparently, over-users need to learn a lot. And I hope they start learning soon, because I don't want to end up getting an ass-beating or losing my job because one day I just lose it and say "You know, your raunchy smell is invading my personal space and offending my olfactory sense. You might want to wash some of that nasty-ass perfume off...soap's in aisle 15."

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