Friday, February 15, 2008

Mood Indigo

Without talking too much about my job, I have to give a bit of background about work for this entry, even though I'm loath to do so (I don't like discussing work too much here because I really don't want it to come back and bite me on the ass). My duties at work leave me alone much of the time, which can be a gift and a curse; a gift because I don't have to deal with as many people, and a curse because I have to deal with the never-ending string of thoughts and ideas that go through my head. Luckily, I'm often distracted by the constant (usually bad) music that fills the background, and the stuff that skips into my head skips right back out, leaving nothing deep and meaningful behind.

That did not happen today.

While speaking to a coworker (a very nice, sweet gentleman), I had one of my thoughts. Was this conversation full of deep philosophical ideas? No, it was more along the line of run-of-the-mill work chit-chat. Now, I often say that I really hate people...individuals can be awesome, but people generally suck and I really held firmly to that (misanthropic Minxy). My brief conversation with this coworker had me re-thinking that position. I found myself thinking that I really hope this kind individual has happiness in his life. This is not to say that I believe he isn't happy, but that I want happiness for him. The thought expanded to the realization that all I want is for everyone to be happy, even people I don't know. I want to see the good in people (note that "I want to see" does not mean "I see only," as I'm not so naive as to think there aren't people with badness in them, or that there aren't people who are just plain bad). I wish for the contentment and comfort of others as much as my own. I've learned today that, deep down, I really love my fellow human beings almost as much as I love my dogs. I don't hate humanity; I hate stupidity, which is solely a human affliction, therefore, I mistook that hatred for human hatred. I know this isn't an original thought by any means, but it's kind of new for me.

I'm not sure how to feel about this discovery in the mind of the Minx. One moment, I'll feel deep awesomeness at my newfound love for people, and the next moment I'll feel deep sorrow that so many of my fellow humans have to suffer so much (I suppose that qualifies as mild ambivalence). I haven't felt this much compassion in a very, very long long that I nearly forgot how incredibly compassionate I am (if one could have a degree in compassion, I'd have a fucking doctorate, like, three times over). I'm sure the reviving of my tender heart is very much related to the newly discovered aspect of myself. This makes me scared, for I do not want my heart to hurt and it's very possible that I've inadvertantly made myself vulnerable to heartache. I'm not an idiot, but I can be a bit gullible at times and I'm afraid a person of less than savory character would try to take advantage of that. There's so much more to say about this, but the words have left me. Perhaps I'll have more another time.

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